Book #6 - Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends

Beautiful photographs can be deceiving.  Take this shot of my kids, for example.  You would think they actually like each other. 

Not 50% of the time. 

When I asked my children if they would prefer to be an only child, or have lots of brothers and sisters, they answered:

Kate, age 7, emphatically:  ONLY CHILD!

Jack, age 4:  Just Sisters!

Rock (age 3) really didn’t understand the question, and broke out into his favorite Barry Louis Polisar song on passing gas (see video below):

“Can’t Say Pfffft on the Radio!”

I wanted to promote friendship in our home, so I read Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends, written by three siblings:  Sarah (22), Stephen (16), and Grace Mally (12).  In this book, the Mally children address serious topics like family conflicts, forgiveness, birth order, and healing relationships.  They include many personal experiences and somehow find a way to relate everything to a story from the Bible.  After a few pages, I quickly realized that the Mally children are not your average, self-centered, pop-cultured American kids.  Their maturity and knowledge of the Bible rival a well-seasoned Christian minister.  While their examples were inspiring, I really struggled to implement any of their sibling wisdom. 

I tried having a special family meeting on the topic of “sharing” complete with a white board game, singing time, and treats, but the word MINE was shouted out no later than ten minutes afterward.  As suggested in the book, I attempted to take an inventory of areas of contention, but Jack and Rock couldn’t articulate what bothered them about each other.  Although they play together everyday, Jack is sure that he doesn’t want Rock in our family.  Rock, completely clueless, is not bothered by that one bit. 

Rather than spin my parenting wheels with my young children, I instead reflected on my relationship with my siblings.  I am the youngest of five children.  Our childhood fights resembled those of my kids' daily spats, but none of that seems to matter now.  While I received my share of teasing in my childhood and endured the family nickname of “mole,” (don't ask) I truly have no lingering resentment.  I love my siblings.  I could ramble on with story after story how they have showed me extraordinary kindnesses and love on many occasions.  I could tell you about my sister who chewed out my boyfriend for dumping me, another sister who has patiently listened to me bawl crocodile tears into the phone many times, and another who paused her busy life to paint my children’s bedrooms for three days straight.

The authors suggest that in sibling relationships, you should implement three “life changing” attitudes:  sensitivity, meekness, and compassion.  I should be humble toward them.  This advice reminded me to keep out of family gossip, avoid meaningless comparisons of our lifestyles, and other immature behaviors.  I hope my siblings know they can have a listening ear, a place to stay, money (ok, not too much), and even my extra kidney, if they need it.  I consider my siblings my best friends.  

I marvel at my parents bringing five children into this world and all the sacrifices that number of children require.  I maxed out my sanity with just three.  I’ve come to the conclusion that you just can’t MAKE siblings like each other.  They are programmed for contention, fighting, and rivalry from the day they exit the womb.  As a parent, I hope to do my best to create a home environment based on kindness and respect.  I can plan fun family activities to encourage togetherness.  I can lay the praise on thick when I catch them, in a rare moment, treating each other nicely.  And, at the very least, I can referee the arguments that get too physical. 

So, while I’ll teach my children to love each other, I’m going to cross my fingers, give it some time, and leave the liking up to them.