Book #8 - The Civility Solution

It’s as unavoidable as death and taxes.  At some point in every human life, you will encounter:

RUDE PEOPLE

They are everywhere.  Someone is going to cut you off while driving, another random stranger will butt in line at the grocery store, your neighbor’s Rottweiler will poop on your lawn, and a telemarketer will call your home just as you sit down to a hot meal with your family.

What is the appropriate response to rude behavior?  Do you flash them the bird?  Throw out an insulting zinger like:

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Are your parents siblings?

In the book The Civility Solution, author P.M. Forni defines rudeness, describes a variety of rude situations and presents solutions on how to react.  For example, if a disruptive child is ruining a quiet night out at your favorite restaurant, you should talk to the restaurant manager, not the child’s parents.  If a driver is tailgating you, turn on your signal and move to another lane; no honking, swerving, or gesturing.

Forni’s ideas can be summarized into two basic rules:

(1)        Don’t respond to rudeness with rudeness.  

(2)        If you offend someone, don’t argue, apologize.

To experiment with The Civility Solution this week, I crammed my brain with Forni’s verbal solutions and went about my ordinary life ready for a rude encounter.

A few uneventful days later, I had the perfect opportunity to practice being civil when I butted heads with a landscape contractor I’ll call “Mr. R.”  I hired Mr. R to replace a sprinkler time clock and repair a paved area in my back yard.  Five days and $325 after the job was completed, the new time clock was not working properly and the stones he laid were sinking.  Emotions in check, I called Mr. R. and reported the problem.  He said he would be over to make the repairs in the next few hours.  Two days later, Mr. R. still hadn’t shown.  I then called Mr. R., and simply stated that I no longer had confidence in his ability to show up or do the job right.  I wanted my money back.  After rambling on with his lame excuses, Mr. R stated that he was not going to give me my money back, end of story.  I wanted to insult Mr. R, tell him that he stank of alcohol and breath mints and threaten to ruin his reputation on Angie’s List, Google Places, Yelp, Kudzu and other sites on the internet.  However, I didn’t.  I simply stated I would report his conduct to the Better Business Bureau and hung up the phone. 

I was civil, but regardless, the phone conversation was very unpleasant.  My heart beat out of my chest.  I lost my appetite.  Worst of all, I played out imaginary conversations with Mr. R in my head for the next several days.  I had to catch myself in the middle of a mental rant several times, and say:

“Kim, let it go.”

If you really want practice handling rude people, just hang out with my boys for a few days.  Anytime a guest leaves our home, it is not uncommon for my son Jack (4) to quickly open the front door, and yell out:    

Goodbye sucky blueberry butt!

Noodle puss!

Then he slams the door.

Children are great teachers on the subject of rudeness.  If Rock (3) doesn’t like the spinach on his plate, he throws it at his sister.  If Jack doesn’t want to begin a four minute time out on the naughty stool, he will kick me repeatedly as I carry him (ever so gently) to the designated chair.  My little boys cannot seem to help being completely unreasonable, offensive, and in-your-face defiant every day.  I cannot ask them use the bathroom, get dressed, or wash their hands without meeting whiney resistance.  While I teach proper behavior and address their rudeness, I have little expectation of compliance.  I’ve come to accept their difficult behavior as a challenging part of parenting.  Forni discusses a similar concept:

“Accept the reality of rudeness.”

If we choose to act considerate and kind when faced with ill-treatment, people may not be civil in return.  However, Forni believes they will be more inclined to be.  By using empathy and trying to understand the source of rudeness, you will know how to respond and when to simply leave the situation.

I suppose it’s helpful to know the appropriate thing to say when a relative asks too many personal questions, or a small child incessantly kicks the back of your seat during an airplane flight.  However, for balance, Forni ought to suggest reading Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff along with his book.  I’m all for assertiveness when the situation demands it, but more often than not, we humans are too easily irritated and impatient—myself included. 

Life, people and relationships are messy.  Luckily, in my experience, the people I encounter every day are not rude.  My random experiences with rudeness, though memorable, are rare.  As for my boys, let’s hope that when they are in their 20’s, they will no longer throw spinach at the dinner table or call our invited guests strange names.  But for karma’s sake, I hope their children do!