“Would you like to learn how to win friends and influence people?”My knee-jerk, independent-woman answer would be,
“ No. Why would I want to do that?”
It sounds so pathetically desperate. Why would I need to “win” friends? Aren’t I naturally likeable? And influence people? To do what?
So, with squint-eyed skepticism, I cracked open Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People and took notes. Carnegie believes that dealing with people is the biggest problem we all face each day. He instructs people how to succeed in family relationships, friendships, and in the business world through anecdotal stories and simple suggestions like “Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain,” or “Be a Good Listener.”
In Part Two of the book, Carnegie presents six principles “to make people like you.” The skills involve showing genuine interest in other people, smiling, remembering names, and being a good listener. I found a perfect opportunity to test these ideas during a recent dinner date at my husband’s favorite Brazilian churrascaria with our friend Peter and his new girlfriend, Eva. My husband and Peter happily devoured plates of grilled meat, fried bananas, pao de queijo, and glasses of guarana soda while I asked Eva every question I could conjure about her job, education, family, how she met Peter, and what restaurants she liked. While Eva kindly answered my inquiries, I tried to listen intently while my eyes were drawn to the mysterious tattoo inside her wrist. After an hour of one-sided questioning, I was exhausted, bored, and a little disillusioned with Carnegie’s suggestions.
After making my grand conversational effort, I naively expected to have a new best friend. Unfortunately, in my zeal to “win” a friend, I neglected Carnegie’s advice on sincerity and selflessness. At the heart of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie is trying to teach us to look outside ourselves and honestly see things from the other person’s point of view. I don’t have a clue what Eva thought about the evening. Maybe she’s shy, intimidated, or just baffled by the crazy lady who peppered her with personal questions for an hour.
It’s unfortunate I ignored How to Win Friends and Influence People for so many years over my misinterpretation of its quirky title. I should have placed a little more trust in its world wide success: selling over 15 million copies since its original publication in 1936. As it turns out, I want to win friends and influence people after all.
What conversation tips do you find work the best when meeting someone new?
I ask people about themselves or their family since that is usually an easy topic. It doesn't take long to find something in common and build from there.
ReplyDelete