Book #3 - The Friendship Factor

I’m not a perfectionist. 

My top dresser drawer contains a disheveled swirl of underwear, nylons, mismatched socks and perfume bottles.  The canned goods in my kitchen pantry have no orderly system and only face unreadable directions.  The top panel of my washing machine is covered in a thin layer of lint dust and I usually have an embarrassingly random, wiry black hair on my eyebrow, cheek, or chin that I have failed to pluck.

However, there was a period of my life where it was important that I appeared perfect--like I had it all together.  I tried hard to project an image encompassing all the characteristics I desired:  slim, intelligent, tailored clothes from Banana Republic, well-read, college educated, financially responsible, physically fit and emotionally stable.  Never mind the ocean of imperfections, insecurities, and personal hardships hidden under the glossy exterior, I was all about appearance.

In The Friendship Factor, author Alan Loy McGinnis describes a common characteristic of people with deep lasting, friendships:

OPENNESS

McGinnis believes that good friendships require a certain level of transparency so that others can see what is in your heart.  Honesty promotes friendship.  In theory, openness should elicit openness.

So, this week I attempted The Friendship Factor’s “Rule Number Two”: 

CULTIVATE TRANSPARENCY

Waiting for the school bell to ring one afternoon, I joined a circle of Moms chatting by the playground.  I listened as one Mom described her bad day.  Feeling stressed over her busy life, she lost her temper with her daughters that morning, dropped them at school in a rush, and spent the rest of the day crying and feeling guilty.  Moving quickly to empathy mode, I said,

“Crying is good.  It gets the sad out.”

Sensing maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say, I decided to be more transparent.

“I read anger books.”  I said.

“They help.  I have about three I keep stacked on my nightstand.  Their calming effect only lasts about a month or so, and then I have to read one again.”

The guilty Mom laughed.  The topic then steered into anger management humor as other Moms described ways they try to stay calm during crazy, anger-provoking, parenting situations. 

My transparency stopped there.  I didn’t unload my most shameful, angry parenting moments, other personal failures, marriage troubles, or the details of my last visit to the gynecologist.  I tried to avoid the social faux pas of TMI—too much information.  I kept my comment simple and hopefully revealed just enough of myself to be appropriately open.

While reading the author’s thoughts on transparency, I decided that people want to be friends with a real person, not a Barbie doll.  I wasted many years seeking admiration when really what I needed was friendship.  Hopefully, I can incorporate the following quote from The Friendship Factor into my future friend-making efforts:

“If we build more windows and fewer walls, we will have more friends.”

Question of the Day:  How do you cultivate transparency in your friendships?