Book #10 - Becoming Your Husband's Best Friend

At our wedding reception 12 years ago, we laid out a giant poster of our engagement photo and asked the guests to sign it.  The poster now hangs framed on our bedroom wall.  One of my favorite captions reads,

“STAY MARRIED!  Advice from your favorite Aunt Helen.”

She would know.  She’s been married three times.

It would be nice and tidy and convenient if I my relationship with my husband could be summed up like a cheesy romance novel:  we fall in love at first sight in high school gym class, raise ten gorgeous, perfect children, and live happily ever after with never a harsh word spoken for 60 years, then pass away simultaneously while sitting on a park bench, holding hands.

Sorry.  We happen to be real people in a real marriage. 

We’ve had beautiful moments of pure joy and ugly, uncomfortable scenes in couple’s therapy.  We’ve experienced fun, child-free years where we traveled, spent irresponsibly, and stayed out late.  We’ve also had challenging, physically exhausting years raising three children where our fantasies generally involve sleeping in or getting a two-hour, Sunday afternoon nap.

We’ve made it through twelve years of marriage without giving up yet.  However, if I want to dance with Ryan on our 50^th wedding anniversary, I know it’s not going to happen by chance.

Therefore, I thought it would be helpful to read How to Become Your Husband’s Best Friend by Lisa and David Frisbie.  I opened this book a little leery of the demands the authors might ask of me.  Would I have to get up at 5:00 am everyday to shower, dress myself in stylish, non-mommie type clothing, and apply makeup like a beauty queen?  Would they tell me to shave my legs and wear lingerie every night?  Would they instruct me to cook more, vacuum more, and do laundry more often so my husband never runs out of clean underwear?   Would I have to take a more enthusiastic interest in his hobbies by watching mafia movies so I could talk intelligently about The Godfather, Casino, or Donnie Brasco on our date nights?

Not at all, thank goodness.

The advice in How to Become Your Husband’s Best Friend is simple, straight-forward, and practical.  The underlying theme of the book is this:  if a wife wants a better marriage, then it starts with her.  She must change, regardless of all the faults she sees in her husband.  The authors then detail five areas in which the wife can focus: 

(1)   Unspoken Expectations

(2)   Unconscious Pride

(3)   Unrelenting Criticism

(4)   Unhelpful Gossip

(5)   Unresolved Bitterness

These five topics reminded me to refrain from nagging, criticizing him, holding grudges, and to never say unkind things about him behind his back.  I’m definitely not the perfect wife, but I hope, at least, I am trying my best.

This is how I see my marriage in a nutshell:

I have a kind-hearted, good man.  He works like a dog six days a week and hands me his paycheck every Friday.  He helps with the dishes, puts the kids to bed, and does anything else I ask.  He loves our children and takes them out on dates.  He rubs my achy feet at night and doesn’t make critical comments about my appearance, mothering skills, or house keeping skills.  He is genuinely interested in my happiness.

I would be an idiot to tear him down.  He’s not perfect, but neither am I.  I have plenty of my own issues to work on.  It’s a destructive waste of time to focus on his.

My husband asks for very little.  His one demand?  a weekly date night.  I could whine and tell you how I’m so tired after an exhausting week of cranky kids, piano lessons, tee ball, swim lessons, homework, cooking, cleaning, blah, blah, blah, that it’s too hard for me to go out every Saturday night when my body is screaming,

“Just let me lay down!”

However, that attitude is not going to help my marriage.  So I do it.  I arrange for babysitters, get myself gussied up, and go out on a date with my husband with a smile. 

I initially thought I would read this book in secret, test out the ideas on my husband, and see if he noticed the changes.  However, I didn’t want him to feel like my behavior was just a weekly blog stunt.  I want him to know my efforts are sincere. So, I read the book a few months ago, took notes, and worked on myself for a while.   I don’t know if I am my husband’s best friend, but I think it’s a worthy goal regardless of the results.  As the authors so perfectly state:

“Becoming a godly woman is its own reward.”







If you would like to be entered in this week's drawing for a $25 gift card to Amazon.com, please leave a comment below with the best marriage advice you have ever heard or received.  The drawing ends on Saturday, February 4, 2012 at 11:59 pm PST.  Please leave an email address where you can be contacted if you are the winner.  Good Luck!

The WINNER of the drawing is:  Ashley demureprincess7(at)gmail(dot)com.